Connect with your innerself

One day you found yourself 

lost in this vast meadow 

desperate for an escape

but you never find the way out

This post is not intended to be sentimental. Just trying to make it poetic. Almost 2 years since you left, and a lot of changes has taken place. Had things got harder? Had it been difficult?

Ohhh. Nothing actually but just changes. Or more precisely,

Adaptations.

Things got screwed up. Not everything went well. But it doesn't means life ends here. It's no sad story. There are things that are definitely disturbing. Not all people are kind, neither are them all nasty. I can pretty much sum up that I got the best of everything and also the worst. But I have no regrets. I welcome disasters and sit with them over a coffee.

Take more time alone and reflect on yourself, your day. Eat food that your liver and kidneys will thank you for. Take strolls or light jog and let the endorphins do the work after a bad day. Keep improving yourself. Share joy and learn to give.

and let go.

This ain't easy. But all of us might eventually need to put down some of these heavy baggage so we can move on again. Yours truly is still learning, no matter how much I hate to do it.

Thank you for reading. Well, I just hope perhaps a little thought here that I have could also help whoknowswho whom might be facing some of the similar problems here too. Just remember, you're not alone!

Signing off

S.Y

Hualien Soultrip (Bits of it)

Heyyy readers! Back again to this space to just to clear off some spideyy webbies here. Here's just like a 5% story from my entire trip due to time restraint (you know I can write lengthy stories whenever I can and super short when I really can't afford to do so at the moment). I'm still composing on some small parts of my memory from this trip. Making a little time everyday to write down some of my thoughts when possible. So here you go!

The train ticket from (Shongshan) Taipei to Hualien.

While in the bus, I caught the sight of Taipei 101. Unfortunately I haven't got the chance to visit there yet. Ahhhh wait for me one day aiteee!

Love how clean the places are!! 

On Christmas eve, we had classes and steamboat for the night. It was cold so when we had something boiling hot, it was just pure blessing for us! 

On Christmas day itself, we put on our rubber boots which some were even too big for our size, walked like bosses (ahh too much don't bother) and followed shifu to their "secret garden" to harvest some vegetables. I slapped on a lot of mosquito repellent generously onto my skin and began to seek out for the hidden organic vegetables planted by shifu. Shifu said they rented an abandon land to plant their own vegetables. Before we start harvesting, we were instructed to use the sickle to knock onto our little plastic stool. For what? You might be wondering. Well, shifu said when we do that we can scared away the snakes. After that, shifu ride on her uber cool and handsome three-wheeled bike back to the abode to take us some snacks. Back she came with a big tray of fried noodle and homemade bubble tea!! I haven't drink it for years and this is homemade by shifu. Our tummies was filled and bloated love. What more we could ask for? It's just too perfect.

While we were hunting for the vegetables among the wild grass, occasionally the train would passed by us in a whoosh in the distant. Mist formed faraway at the top of the mountain. And quite regularly, you would see the locals here riding their scooter passing by us.

We harvested 6 baskets of vegetables and we stacked up all of them on a hand trolley and pushed them back to the abode.

Look at the mist

Homemade bubble teaaa!!! Haven't had one for a decade.

The weather was cold but bearable. The only unbearable part is that only we have plenty of pesty mosquitoes there. Look at how small they are! Tiny yet despicable. 

Embraced by the beauty of nature. Tantalizing my taste bud with this precious and immersing myself into the dreamy sight, sound and air.

When it's dark, the place is almost light-pollution free. I bet those who stay long here enough might get the chance to catch a meteor here!

At the bewitching hour of the day.

Every morning, we could only wake up at 3.50am in the morning (not earlier, nor later as long as you can make it on time at 4.10am to assemble at the chanting hall). Every day we move at a speed of light, making our beds and make sure they are perfectly folded at 90º at the edges, wash up, have our hair braided and etc. Def one of the most memorable thing back then! 

Prison

When I first step foot into this place, I was completely awe-struck. The place was situated in a secluded place at a quite hilly area. Before the bus made its way there, we passed by a huge and vast park for tourist to visit. The weather was cold, and as the bus continue to made its way in. Along the journey you can spot misty hills there. As we arrived, we could see that the gardens were very well maintained. Beautiful plants and flowers can be seen here. Perhaps you could have thought that you have been leaded to the wrong place. The place was beautiful, I would even believe if they tell me it's a homestay area or touristic area.

The place and air were clean. As we descended from the bus, we were first greeted by a friendly black dog there, who actually led us to the hall where we were supposed to go. I didn't take photos of the place since it's forbidden to bring in cellular phones.

When we have arrived at the hall, I was quite shocked at first. Seeing a huge hall filled with the prisoners all seated on their chairs and all of them turned back to see a whole bunch of us people making way into the hall. We did our first performance, but I see that they were not quite amused into what we were doing in front. After that, as we performed the second sign language song called 很幸福, I could see they became more involved in what we were doing. As if on cue, many of them decided to follow our repeating sign languages at every chorus. There was also a session where we do group singing, and the mic was passed to some of them to also sing together with us.

Why were they locked here?

What's our difference with them? I'm not completely sure what got them in there. They look perfectly fine and neither do they look exceptionally despicable. Some of them were so young, some look like they were at the same age as me. Sometimes I wonder, how do they really feel in there. When they were singing, some began to tease the ones sitting next to them, resting their arms across their pal's shoulder and laugh like old friends. Sometimes it's painful to see this and when I see that they got accepted in our eyes, they began to open up themselves and smile and respond to us.

Old Folk's Home 荣明之家

JX and me were the emcess for this visit. I haven't really been to any old folk's home before and it's my first time doing such a visit. When we have arrived, we pushed the elderlies in their wheelchair to the main hall to entertain them. 

Mosquito stings.

On New Year eve, we volunteered at the hospital. A place where 李师伯 told us to: 见苦知福.

Indeed, many people would be celebrating out there to count down on the arrival of a whole new year of 2019. Despite the excitement out there, there were still many patients at the hospital moaning with pain and agony and their only wish was to get out from there and lead a normal life.

I met an old grandfather who was very pessimistic at first at his own condition. Tears flowed when he said those words and his caretaker would help him wipe his tears away in a very positive attitude, asking him not to say negative things. He was a very kind person I could see, from how he treat his caretaker and how his caretaker communicate with him. What touches me was after a long leisure chatting with him, he changed his view by saying he would get better soon and shalt not have negative thoughts anymore. He said he used to travel a lot of places, a traveller he is. But due to his condition he couldn't make it anymore. 

There's indeed no better time than now to achieve whatever you want.

At the ICU, many patients were bed-ridden, some couldn't even open their eyes, some were in coma mode. Sometimes just can't help to think how blessed we are when we are still healthy. 

We moved so quickly that I ain't got the time to collect these maples. Woe is meee.

The train moaned and creaked at every swaying on the railway. We passed by many beautiful sceneries. Feasted my eyes on the beautiful coast which were mostly secluded. The gradient of the seawater was really alluring.

Too many things have happened and when you don't immortalise your thoughts into some kind of writing, that's as if those things have never took place at all in your life. Our thoughts and memories, lose a little as each day passes. Didn't afford to write down everything but whatever matters to me, I have them simplified into a photo, a word or a thing that might somehow evoke the whole memory in it. Sorry I can't write too much here for the moment but I'm glad you dropped by, thank youu and I hope some things, somehow that I have mentioned in here will be able to motivate you. Well, somehow.

Signing off,

S.Y

So I crossed the road successfully

*photo taken in Panganlengan, July 2018

Having to cross the crazy road in Bandung everyday is just nearly inevitable, especially when your made mode of transport are your legs! 

I remember, getting stuck by the roadside because the traffic was too hectic and nobody was giving ways. I guess the drivers were oblivious to anything by the roadside except for the road in front of them. I stood there, never letting my slightest attention in milliseconds to escape so that I will be able to cross the road whenever I could. 

Just then, I noticed a granny who was also just as helpless as me; the traffic was crazy and it was impossible to even make a step. I looked at her and she looked back at me the same way. It's telepathy I guess; we felt equally miserable. If I'm trice as young as her but already had a difficult time to cross the road, it would even make her more impossible to do it. I heaved a heavy sigh from the sight of the terrible traffic, then I turned to her to ask if she would want me to help her across. 

Instantly without hesitation she nodded profusely and exclaimed,"Ya neng!" (Yes, little girl) *eventhough I'm not so little anymore but anyways*, she grabbed my arms so tightly as if if there's an incoming car toward us I would be able to shield her. Funny thing was, when I started to cross the road (coz I couldn't care less anymore I can't be standing there forever) the cars slowed down, rendering the road in front of us to be cleared. 

It seems, it all happened because I had a granny by my side! We crossed the road successfully, then the granny make a smooth entrance into the angkot (aka the doorless public transport) and thanked me while it moves. It's nothing but sometimes when these memories are revoked, I still have to laugh it off again. 

Dreamt of you

17th July 2018

Dreamt of you.

Woke up and no wonder, it's your birthday.

But if there were to be a cake for you, the number of candles wouldn't increase by another stick.
Occasionally, you will still appear in my dreams. I would still be there to nag you when you are eating something that you shouldn't, like:

"Can you eat that??"  

Everything was vivid, real. But you don't really talk much.

I just wanted to say, Happy Birthday.

"I'm depressed, are you scared?"

Disclaimer: Some contents may have been changed to protect the person's identity. 

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After a few long months away from your homeland, your heart gets so tired it tells you that "it's time to go back. You've been out there for too long".

Literally. Carrying backpack and a hand luggage strapped on my shoulder, I retrieved my luggage from the conveyor belt. Wasting no time I headed straight to the train for a transit to another airport for a bus ride. Just as I reached, I heaved a big sigh from all the weight that I bore. Nothing can still compare with the heaviness of my heart. I have missed home.

Just as I waited for my bus to arrive, I approached a girl near me just to confirm I was at the right gate for the bus. "Excuse me, may I ask if this bus is going to XX station?"

She wore a white long-sleeved top, had a luggage in her hand and wore a cap. Her hair was short, and I thought she was one of the most outgoing girl out there.

"Yes, it is! I'm going there too". She gave a friendly reply.

I got up the bus and had chosen a seat near the huge window. I have always loved to sit by the window so that I could look outside for the beautiful scenery. As I settled for a seat near the window, the same girl approached me and asked me if anyone is sitting next to me. I shook my head and told her she could have that seat.

She sat down, heavily. Slumped down on her back she started to stick her nose to her handphone, like any typical people in their teens, tweens or even elderlies. Her phone screen illuminated her face in the semi-dim bus. I looked outside the window for the beautiful view. The sun was about to set, the whole sky was a lovely velvety faint bright pink and purple hue like smudges of watercolour on a canvas. The silhouettes of the palm oil trees accentuated from the sun setting behind. My country is indeed a beautiful place.

In the midst of the bus trip, the bus rocked the passengers to sleep during the journey, as if the roaring of the bus has turned into a sleeping lullaby. Except me and this girl. Somehow, someway, a conversation just striked up within us.

"What's your name? You can call me XX!"

We exchanged conversation, asking where we were from, and why were we on this bus trip. Random questions were posed.

"Are you a Taurus? Or if not, you might be a Capricorn!" she asked.

I looked at her skeptically. "Whyy do you think so?"

"I don't know. It's an aura". she said. "I always read about horoscope and I know it quite well"

I don't know there's such aura for horoscopes. And my understanding for horoscope is just superficial. Then she started talking about her own sign, Aquarius. And the conversation gradually drifted to her personal life. She said her parents had once looked out for her because she was not reachable by phone. She was also nowhere to be found where she was suppose to be at her hostel. The conversation got even more personal and she stopped and looked at me:

"You might see that I'm pretty normal, like right now, talking to you. But I'm really quite different when I'm alone.."

Certainly not a sign of an aquarius, I thought.

She revealed that she sometimes do self-harming. After that, I got to know that she was on medication to control her condition.

"I thought of very weird ideas, sometimes I even get very dark thoughts.." she continued.

"I'm depressed, are you scared? I don't tell this to anyone".

"No. Not at all" I answered.

"People will tend to avoid people who are weird"..

I knew she needed a room for ranting, or someone who could listen to her. Perhaps any stranger could be the best person to talk to. She wasn't the first depressed person I have met, and I certainly don't see her like any abnormal person. I just see her as a normal person who needed someone to listen and accept her.

We bided our goodbyes and that's where I had to go. My family was waiting for me.

"Wait, may I have your number?" I gave her mine, and we said we should keep in touch.

Little did I know that it was the first and last time we were going to meet. I haven't heard from her since. Had I given her the wrong number by mistake? Or had she mistaken my number? Or had she forgotten to add the country code?

People might appear so normal on the surface, but have you ever wonder what they are going through in their lives? Stop prejudice, stop bullying, stop the discrimination, stop the damn judgement about people. But indeed there are many sickening things in this society that we can't possibly control.

How about this, take some time to understand how truly blessed you are now. When you can do something good to people, why not just do it? You can definitely change another person's life.

Doing no harm is already an act of kindness. When you have nothing nice to say, sometimes the best way is just to shut up. I hope I could do something to help her but it seems I wasn't fated enough to meet her again. If you ever suspect anyone, be it your family, neighbour or your friends going through some tough times, don't ever just assume they are doing fine.

Depression is silent and not a joke. If you ever think you care for the people around you, just show it before it's too late. 

Staying positive and thinking perhaps one day, we could meet again. It's still a little friendship that I cherished, with a duration that lasted a bus journey ride.